treasuring yourself

the last two months have been like a thick, five-layered dark-white chocolate truffle cream pie, laden with caramelized almonds, sugar dusted macadamia nuts, toasted granola, fresh berries, topped with mountains of whipped cream, and drizzled with sweet honey.

delicious. breath taking. an indulgence. and too much.

too much. so much that it’s taken me on a digression further from myself than i’ve ever strayed. eager to see something new each day, eager to answer some kind of question each day, i somehow managed to convince myself that i was learning more about myself and how i see the world. when it was really all just an act to hide my guilt.

my guilt for not trying to know. know where to draw the line, know how to stop plastering band-aids on these ad-hoc lives, know that i was letting each day become incomprehensible. 

some days i forget that i don’t need to put myself through all that, and that my time and energy are precious and should not be wasted. when i look up, see who’s around, i remember that the best days are when you surround yourself with people who love and appreciate you, who give you positive energy, who make you live every moment.

on the plane back from new york city, the world separated into three planes. above, a flat dark canvas dotted with a million stars. below, a 2-D rendering of lights, squared off by streets, clustered by cities. and in between, a vast, transitory, empty space stretched out into the night. there, the airplane made its journey for me. the three planes were so clearly defined and separated. as if sometimes, you can only choose one. not by clockwork, or by outside forces - but by and for yourself.

yes, i’m slowly discerning the view. yet, i still don’t know how to choose.