Tying Up Loose Ends

I was ready to speak. But no words came out.

I did not know that you were struggling. Or that I was too. I just didn’t want to think anymore it weighed heavier everyday. Gnawing away at my energy, calculating factoring discounting nothing but interests and logistics. I could not get away. I was scared I wanted to be trapped.

Five days a week and still you didn’t understand me. It was okay for you to be distant. You were an insider, you were conventional, put together well dressed say all the right things at the right time.

I cheered from afar, tears mixed with dirt on calloused hands.

No one knew those words were your identity. Strung sung to reinforce your shell, hardened every time you said those words. You said them every day. Used them, scrubbed them, let them into your heart. They moved you. Didn’t ask for anything, no myths no lies no acting. No one knew it was just a shell.

I just wanted you to see.

Filled jars, filled wounds, filled buckets of something grim but tangible. Cap them, twist turn and close. Clean a gentle wisp of dust off of the rim. You had so much it overflowed. They scurried and shuffled to the side, in the shade.

This time you came to me. So much time passed, but you won’t shorten the distance when I try to reconnect see why we began remember why we believed consider how we can continue every day every night hot tea keeping your eyes open to challenge the explanations that dispel raised eyebrows curious ears, giving you agency to collect the pieces and bring it full circle.

It was about you not knowing that this could be it.

I was ready to speak. And the words were good bye.